Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
