I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
