i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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