I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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