did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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