my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
COCAINE IS GR8
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
