I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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