On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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