I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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