mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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