its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
