is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
