get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
