one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize