Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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