the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
