I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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