I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
