Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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