found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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