Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
