Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
