my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
