They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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