Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
