Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
