She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
