I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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