do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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