I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
