Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
