Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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