Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
