just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm really busy with my period
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