Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
