One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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