Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize