I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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