Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
