Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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