this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
