Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
