I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
