i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
