I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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