bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize