theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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