direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
