xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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