Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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