They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
