Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
