dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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