dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Randomize
