i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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