I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
