The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
