I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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