Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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