Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
