Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She bit a glass in half.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
