I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
