woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize