I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
